Existential Universal Truths

Welcome Back True Believers,

I have been lost in a vapor(brothers) herbal haze for the past week on an existential journey exploring the meaning of life, the human condition, and feasting on C21 H30 O2.   On  my journey through the ethereal regions I have come to accept some of life’s more intricate realities and abnormalities through communing with Prophets, Pirates, Prostitutes, Paupers, and Poets.  I danced with the devil,  jammed with Jesus, and broke bread with Buddha,  and all of this took place in my backyard. 

I bring to you a sampling of the universal truths, as revealed to the Captain on this epic odyssey:

         Cash rules everything around me.

         It ain’t no fun, if the homies can’t have none.

         Ladies love country boys.

         Hot bitches get money.

         The top feels so much better than the bottom.

         It aint my fault you done fucked up your re-up.

         I’d rather be a free man in my grave, than living like a puppet or a slave.

         Some people graduated, but they’re still stupid.

         Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

         If your bitches talk shit, then I have to put the smack down.

 

 

Richmond’s Legend of the Foamy River

**6:35A.M. March 18, 2009** The first report of the “strange white foam” dangerously careening down the James is phoned in from a Leprechaun. The wee fellow spotted the foam while he was protecting his Lucky Charms.

**6:59 A.M. March 18, 2009** “Blocks of foam up to the size of beer coolers dot” the river. Really…these were blocks of foam the size of Styrofoam beer coolers, not like those little pussy ass beer coolers… fits a 6 pack???? Of cans maybe, not my long neck domestics bitch.

**7:06 A.M. March 18, 2009** 93.1 THE WOLF plays Deep Purple “Smoke on the Water”. Some dumb-ass on his way to work spots the foam and sings,

“I KNOW WE’LL NEVER FORGET
FOOOAAAMMM ON THE WATER, FIRE IN THE SKY!”

as he sparks up the one one on his way to the job site. He has dreads cause he smokes herb, Jah RASTA-faria….. except he is from Chester…. and hangs some drywall to pay the bills, but he downloaded “Legend” on Itunes and has a puppy named Nesta.

**7:13 A.M. March 18, 2009** Ralph White issues the following statement regarding the mysterious foam to the RTD, “It seems to be happening now,” (how I wish I was joking).

**7:20 A.M. March 18, 2009** Concerned citizens (possibly) contact City Hall. Bill Hayden, a spokesman for the state Department of Environmental Quality gives the following statement to the RTD, “We concluded as long as there is no environmental problem, we don’t have the resources to look further.” Apparently just as recently as 2006… wait that can’t be right……FUCK… Apparently just as recently as 2006 they investigated the foam, found no source or cause, and mmmmmm….. well, they gave up. See it is like a Catch 22 but more like an OH Fuck you.

Well as far as the RTD is concerned that is where the story ends. Captain Obvious thinks a foamy river usually means the party was further upstream. However, a foamy river the morning after St. Patrick’s day means that the party was definitely upstream.

Till next time True Believers remember,

Now you know..

and knowing is half the battle.

& knowing is half the battle!

#All times are approximate or made up or a combination of the two. All Quotes (excluding the D.P. improv) are from the Local news section of the RTD 03/18/09 issue. Sit….Stay…… good boy, here’s your link)

St. Patrick’s Day: Just for the Irish.. or ..Drinking Day for the Masses?

 

Tomorrow anyone can bastardize and ridicule the Captain’s family lineage by playing up cultural stereotypes that have afflicted the Irish people for centuries. Any drunk punk wearing green can stumble about town consuming vast quantities of beer and whiskey all the while making a mockery of my people’s history. A history full of suffering, discrimination, oppression, forced religious conversion, and a continuing struggle for freedom and self-rule isn’t even explored or discussed  on the ONE day we, Irish, get for our history. There is no Irish History month, no reflection on how the Northern states where built on the backs of our cheap labor, or how signs like this appeared all over America.

 

 

How would it go over if during Black History month everyone dressed in a Dashiki and got wasted on traditional African fermented juices? Latino month;   sombreros for everyone , bottle of tequila, and a hat dance. These wouldn’t be acceptable so why is the commerciality of my heritage for general amusement perfectly acceptable?

 

True Believers, St. Patty’s Day is acceptable because we Irish-Americans don’t give a fuck. We have fought our battles and proven our worth. For better or worse we are now Americans, born here, brought here, raised here. We are products of American culture, I wouldn’t have the first clue how to go about living in Ireland and don’t really care to try. Sure some of the cultural history was lost, we only observe certain Irish customs in my house and they dwindle with each generation. However with each generation we celebrate more American holidays.

 

I encourage everyone on the 17th to raise your pint and sing a drinking song. Although St. Patty wore blue, make sure you participate by donning green. The wearing of the green shows Irish pride, symbolizes our common struggle against British rule, and stands for a human’s thirst for freedom and self-governance. With open arms the Captain welcomes anyone to be Irish for a day and celebrate the happiness of life in the face of overwhelming adversity, as countless generations of Irish before me have.

 

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer—and another one!

 

***The Captain does not attempt to speak for all Irish or Irish-Americans, just the ones like me.**

VCU Basketball Falls to Communist Influence: The Beginning of a Red Dawn

 

Richmond tattoo/basketball aficionados are all enraged over the airbrushing of VCU b-ball standout Eric “Duke Killer” Maynor’s tattoo on the cover of the media kit. An airbrushed picture on the cover of some type of magazine like publication meant as a public relations tool? This is one of the 7 signs of an impending communist revolution, or so the RTD (Routinely Terrible Drivel or Richmond Times Dispatch) would have you believe as their hyperbole has reached a crescendo stating that this “… smacks of Soviet-like historical revisionism.”

The absolute indignation this Staff reporter had over the retouched image was laughable. Get off your high horse. A media packet is a fancy advertisement not some holy covenant of honesty and truthfulness. The school is promoting a product/brand and you are surprised you didn’t get handed a packet of candid shots. Let’s focus your anger to battling really deceptive pictures and ideals:

Popsicles are the Captain’s preferred chilled dessert of choice. However, the Captain also has a deep ever-lasting hatred of anything Cherry flavored. Clearly on the box you see an even proportion of Grape and the king of all frozen goodness, the Orange freezy-pop.  After a long and exhaustive research spanning many many years I can say with all certainty that at least 45% of any box of popsicles is cherry. Clearly the picture has been altered and we know whose is behind it don’t we RTD, those pinko commie bastards. That’s right, the Russians and Chinese are slowly but surely indoctrinating us to accept "red", and we all know red=communism & communism= re-touched pictures.

Alas the last bastion of freedom has been infiltrated by the Reds. Yes dear True Believer ze LOLcats have been indoctrinated!

jj

Translation : The men I’ve sent to death weigh heavily on my mind; but this burden is but a fist of straw compared to the strain of the republic

bs

Translation : Bask in your Western accoutrement, Romanov harlot…I prepare your final resting place, as your overfed corpse will make a fine fertilizer for my potato crops

**Perhaps the most frightening thing of all is their LOLcats look like ferocious little ankle-biting Min-pins. Surely the work of some evil gentic experiment leftover from the old soviet Olympic program splicing a LOLcat with a poor puppy.**

Oh yes, sad but true… All pussies are now communist and all communist are now pussies. It was a small consolation for the Comrades to make in order to recruit the Felinae subclass to join the motherland movement toward communist reform. Beware True Believers for the time has come and the felines have turned against us. But take heart for the Captain is ever vigilant in his guard against the Communist/Pussies. I have been in training with Mr. Patrick Swayze and am now a fully decorated Brigadier general in the Wolverines and I am now actively planning a resistance to the "Red Dawn".

“In the early days of World War 3, guerillas – mostly children – placed the names of their lost upon this rock. They fought here alone and gave up their lives, so that this nation should not perish from the earth."

Man Laws: A Refresher

Man Laws are as old as the penis itself. Handed down from generation to generation as a verbal history from our fore fathers in an effort to insulate and protect our gender from the wiles and mindgames inherent in the other half of our species. Eversince the purported fall of Adam at the hands of Eve to the cunningness of Delilah, Man has struggled to stand stalwart against the ever present influence and manipulation of the fairer sex.

 

This morning a perused the latest missive from Cracker Jack laying out some of the rules regarding friends’ exes and when penetrating them is acceptable. While this is a very important part of the rules, and prephaps the most often broken, it is but a mere fraction of the intricate codex men must navigate daily to ensure they do not fall from grace in the eyes of their “boys”. So Today the Capt. brings to you , True Believer, a quick review of some of the finer points of Man Law that have been recently overlooked, causing the sissification and castration of so many of our bretheren.

 

(All rules apply to all men regardless of Age, Race, Sexuality, or Intelligence)

 

  • You have an obligation to inform any male friend when they are dressed like a fucking tool/dork. This is to include stupid hats, novelty tshirts, and sandals.
  • NEVER answer any question regarding the whereabouts of a friend without first talking to said friend.
  • Never leave a fallen man behind. You don’t have to hold his hair while he pukes, but you must tote him about, propping him up at which ever bar you come to next. You only must ensure his survival and arrival.
  • Make a concerted effort to prevent any drunk backsliding after a breakup with a crazy girl.
  • Relentlessly point out any one of your “boys” pussy-whipped tendencies and shame him into acting like a man.
  • Always be on call for extraction force missions. You maybe required to extract said friend from jail, one-night stands, bad dates, or just lost and drunk.
  • If at all possible you should not call a “Boys” girlfriend/wife. Any communication should be coordinated through your girlfriend/wife or your “Boy”. This prevents any sembalence of impropriety or information leakage.

 

****Updates to come…maybe.

Go Rob The Citizens (GRTC) Wants 70 million in Stimulus Cash!

 

All Aboard the short bus. Richmond’s grand plan to stimulate our local economy and fend of an economic downturn is to build a bus transfer station.. That’s right 70 million planned for a GRTC transfer station in the Bottom.*   Un-fucking-believable. All the programs they have cut, all the people put on the street, all of this happening now and these Tool bags take the Federal Cash meant to help stimulate our local, state, and national economy and these stuffed suits throw it down a propped up, subsidized program that   only is used by 7% our the local population * and won’t open for years…mother fucking years. We need help now and they just throw that fucking money away. There are approx 1,212,977 people in the metro area * ,   and if only 7% ride the bus that’s about 90,000 people riding the bus, and that is way over actual ridership as GRTC only serve Richmond and parts of Chesterfield. However even at this inflated figure each of the “riders” get roughly $778 spent on each rider to have a new transfer center.

 

True Believer I wish that is where the fleecing stopped, but the government already subsidizes each fare. For every fucking dollar someone pays in bus fare the government kicks in an additional $2.68, for every rider! The lowest fare is $1.25 paid by the rider, but the real cost of the ride is $3.35. The top fare is $6.00 and the taxpayers pay $16.08 per rider and these fucking buses are operating with a average of only 30% of the seats filled * .

 

I am not trying to fucking bore you to death with numbers and figures and I am no Economic ninja, but how is throwing cash down a fucking bottomless money pit going to save the economy. Trying to pass this shit off as a green imitative is utter poppycock. Those diesel buses running all day at an average of 6 miles per gallon *  at 30% capacity sounds like a fucking horrible environmental idea.

 

70 mill could solve a lot of problems, and you can not convince me that a bus transfer station is topping that list. I shake my imaginary digital fist at you GRTC you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.      

Feelings for Today

 

I woke up today,
and on my dick? A CLOWN nose!
Hey, we’ve all been there.

 Poem By : Derek

Yes I have Derek, yes I have.     ~The Captain