**6:35A.M. March 18, 2009** The first report of the “strange white foam” dangerously careening down the James is phoned in from a Leprechaun. The wee fellow spotted the foam while he was protecting his Lucky Charms.
**6:59 A.M. March 18, 2009** “Blocks of foam up to the size of beer coolers dot” the river. Really…these were blocks of foam the size of Styrofoam beer coolers, not like those little pussy ass beer coolers… fits a 6 pack???? Of cans maybe, not my long neck domestics bitch.
**7:06 A.M. March 18, 2009** 93.1 THE WOLF plays Deep Purple “Smoke on the Water”. Some dumb-ass on his way to work spots the foam and sings,
“I KNOW WE’LL NEVER FORGET
FOOOAAAMMM ON THE WATER, FIRE IN THE SKY!”
as he sparks up the one one on his way to the job site. He has dreads cause he smokes herb, Jah RASTA-faria….. except he is from Chester…. and hangs some drywall to pay the bills, but he downloaded “Legend” on Itunes and has a puppy named Nesta.
**7:13 A.M. March 18, 2009** Ralph White issues the following statement regarding the mysterious foam to the RTD, “It seems to be happening now,” (how I wish I was joking).
**7:20 A.M. March 18, 2009** Concerned citizens (possibly) contact City Hall. Bill Hayden, a spokesman for the state Department of Environmental Quality gives the following statement to the RTD, “We concluded as long as there is no environmental problem, we don’t have the resources to look further.” Apparently just as recently as 2006… wait that can’t be right……FUCK… Apparently just as recently as 2006 they investigated the foam, found no source or cause, and mmmmmm….. well, they gave up. See it is like a Catch 22 but more like an OH Fuck you.
Well as far as the RTD is concerned that is where the story ends. Captain Obvious thinks a foamy river usually means the party was further upstream. However, a foamy river the morning after St. Patrick’s day means that the party was definitely upstream.
Till next time True Believers remember,
Now you know..
& knowing is half the battle!
#All times are approximate or made up or a combination of the two. All Quotes (excluding the D.P. improv) are from the Local news section of the RTD 03/18/09 issue. Sit….Stay…… good boy, here’s your link)